Sunday, 24 January 2010

It's been a while ...

since I've posted anything. In fact, it seems like a while since I've done anything that relates to photography or art!

Coming back to Glasgow wasn't as bad as I thought it might be; actually, it was quite nice. And despite one or two problems, it's remained quite nice. One problem was the cold! The bad weather continued and the flat was very cold - I dread to think what my heating bill will be! However, it did mean that I put up curtains and now the flat is starting to look quite homely; I feel I'm settling in here now. The cold did mean that I still didn't/couldn't get out and about and take photographs.

Second problem is that I caught a cold. Not just any cold, a real nasty one which will just not go away (maybe it was flu - I had the whole tummy bug thing to go with it). It's really knocked me for six and means that again I haven't been out and about taking any photographs.

All of which now means that I'm going through a real crisis of ... commitment? Self-confidence/belief? All I know is that for the past few days I'm really starting to wonder if I'm just not a bit out of my depth? I just can't help thinking that I really don't have what it takes to be at art school. I look at T's work and she has more talent in her little finger than I do in my whole head!! I'm not saying body, because I know that I'm talented in terms of making things - my sewing, knitting etc. - it's just that I'm not creative like she is; I just don't have the ideas, I just don't have the 'eye'. My stuff is all so 'ordinary', so mundane, so straight-laced. Maybe I just missed my chance to develop a creative outlook when I chose the safe route at college, came home from London, settled as the 'suburban housewife'!

But that's what's so frustrating - I know that inside me I have someone who is capable of being more creative! I have been looking at old photographs and remembering when I used to make my own clothes and dress pretty wildly, when I trawled the junk shops for things to do up - before I had to worry about the business image, or before old furniture wasn't high enough up on the status ladder!!

I know people will tell me I'm being hard on myself, that it will take time, but I worry that I don't have time, that I'll run out of money before I can get through this degree, or that it just won't be long enough to strip away the years of conforming.

T is very supportive - I definitely think we were meant to meet. No such thing as coincidence, I'd already been in the queue and left to go ... if I hadn't done that, she would have been standing behind someone else! She inspires me - makes me wish I was younger and had my time again. L is very supportive too - I can hear her voice telling me not to be so hard on myself, not to have such demanding standards.

Anyway, this is just me feeling sorry for myself because I'm under the weather and like the weather, it will clear up ... eventually!!! Must get on now.

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